NLG

2011-12-26T05:28:00.002-06:00

i want to scream at the top of my lungs "YOURE A FUCKIN ASSHOLE" to almost every guy i have even had affection for or been involved with. nice guys are assholes, assholes-are assholes.. what do i do now? im not saying i want a super innocent nice guy, but a guy with a mother fucking conscience would be AWESOME. im done. fuck, i am so done. tomorrow will determine whether or not someone in particular is actually nice after all. as for everyone else. im done. i just want to scream or punch or just burst with anger and frustration and disappointment. i hate being so upset and pissed that i want to cry. i cant stand it. life is not a life when lived alone and im tired of living alone. i wish i could go into the future and see if i end up alone or not- that way i can just end my life now. no kidding.

2011-09-26T15:17:00.001-05:00

two weddings this month. im glad im no ones maid of honor cus ill tell you right now my life would be a real life Bridesmaids. i am Annie.

cruise diary

2011-09-19T18:08:00.005-05:00

i never really post on here anymore. its really embarrassing to even look through the old stuff on this blog, but i wanted to post my little diary on here rather than tumblr or facebook.
the main purpose of this diary was the fact that i had no contact with any friends. i need to express myself to someone. i wanted to do it to the full extent. all there was on that damn ship were old and trashy people. i definitely couldnt be myself around my grandma, so i decided to just write a daily journal to vent and express what was on my mind before i literally jumped off the ship.

9-14-11
right now all i can think about is going home and geekin' it. four days on this cruise and it feels like ive been here a week already. i feel trapped. im never doing this again. i want to jump off. when theres land, i run towards it. if only the destinations were desirable. jamaica, cayman islands, and mexico. how about EUROPE??? (i would never cruise there though!)
well, i haven't been to the cayman islands yet, i actually look forward to that. as far as today, we hit up jamaica and it was as expected… i have not been impressed by this cruise at all since i have been here. though there were two instances today: the guy i met in jamaica.. im sad i forgot his name. he told me, and i said my name.. but of course i didn't repeat his name back and i forgot. im bad with names if i don't repeat the name back to them. i took a photo of him, though. and speaking of which, this is what the instance is about… i was walking down the street, by all the shops--not buying anything--because, well.. im not a tourist. anyway, i had my packfilm polaroid cam around my neck (the others were in my backpack. i had a total of 5 cameras on me today) but anyway, he called me over, and asked about my camera, and told me he had never seen that kind of camera since he was a little boy. i offered to take a photo of him and he excitedly said yes, and asked someone who i was with to pose in the photo with him. i took it, let it develop, and gave it to him. he was smiling so big, it made me smile. we talked a bit and then in another store was his mother by the entrance.. she was, i guess you could say, working, pulling tourists off the sidewalk into her store. she saw the photo in her sons hand and started nagging him. then shit got real. she was telling him all this shit that he was going to get in trouble, that what i did was wrong, and that he was a disgrace to her; that he needed to stop getting involved with drugs… all this crazy shit! all because of him being happy about the photo. fuck, and i thought my mom was bad. when asked if he was her son, she denied. it was hard to keep things in a light mood. i just told him "just give her time" and he smiled as if he was used to it, so i was like ok w/e. i signed my name behind his photo and told him bye. it was still weird--trying to figure out why the hell that photo mattered so much?
and the other instance, was the magic show i just came back from. it was the first, and most likely last show ill see here. i wanted to check it out and before it started they were jamming the best music vie heard on this ship EVER. im telling you, this fucking ship is killing me… all these cheesy fucking songs everywhere i go.. when i walked in and heard the opera song from The Fifth Element playing i was like ohh fuuu. then some bjork, and something else i cant remember.. 90s music and gothy pop shit. it was obviously the magic show music and not the ship music. thats what reeled me into staying for the show definitively. sure enough, the [music of the] show delivered. thats all i fucking cared about. thats right everyone. nothing impresses me about a thousand dollar cruise ship ticket. just a smile i saw in jamaica, and some music.
._.

NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.
just for the record, i only did this so my grandma wouldn't go alone. but still--NEV AGN.

9-15-11
day 3:
that awkward moment when your grandma yells at you and accuses you of "being ashamed of your own grandmother so you try to keep a distance while on the ship", when you're just naturally a fast paced walker, and you were actually walking slower than usual. then when you try to explain that, you are guilted into implying that you're grandmothers just too old and slow.
day 5:
that awkward moment when your grandmother yells at you because "you're moving too slow and not keeping up, and has her sick worried thinking you got kidnapped and raped, or just doesn't care about anyone, just doing what you want to do and leaving the group" (i will partially admit to that)
i can only take so much.
good thing about my grandma is that she blows shit over after about 10 minutes

cayman islands were ok. i wish i could have gone underwater.. i hate salt water but that shit was zoo cleeerrr.
on the upside, the beach was isolated it was nice
the downside: cayman islands will greatly appreciate my polaroid art, because i left it there :(
i fuckin cant (but can at the same time) believe i left my polaroids in the taxi. only one was good.. there were about 5. sucks SO MUCH DICK. but whatever.. i expected it intentionally.. i got off the taxi and knew, i just knew i forgot something. i even stopped, stood, thought, searched my backpack--all my cameras were there.. i couldn't think of what else i should have been looking for till i got to my room. so sad. then to consolidate my feelings i went to my balcony to take a polaroid with my spectra, and it broke. again. always when i need it, the shit breaks down on me. luckily i have two specters, (but not on me right now)
i know now to never pack my charlie brown spectra camera ever again -even though its my favorite :(
its whatever, i can get another one any time at a decent price. its the film thats a bitch, speaking of which: i cant fucking stand impossible film. i don't fucking UNDERSTAND why the pictures come out like shit. im not ejecting them in sunlight, and i have the camera on the darkest setting and they're still over exposed. i need an ND filter too or what? shit. anyway, thats another story. my heart will always go out to the real polaroid. im just going to have to write a letter to fujifilm begging them to make film for the sx-70. thats my september 15th resolution. getting back on track, im fucking dead tired from today. all i did was walk around, but the lack of food and sleep killed me. i bought some japanese (or chinese, who knows) strawberry gummies today. thats the only highlight for today..
wait- i just remembered another, i saw the interesting looking boy today (theres two, but this guy here is the main one) i could say he's cute, which he is, but its much more than that. its always much more than just cuteness with me. no matter what, there has to be some kind of awkward allure. and this guy, well to sum it up: he looks like adrian brody and matthew bellamy combined. i saw him on day one and was like woah. then i saw him like on day 3, he's one of the cheesy photographers.. i wonder how he even lures the people in because he is so so quiet (they're always quiet, no shit) and today i saw him on the ferry coming back from the islands. it was so weird because i noticed him immediately out of his uniform. so so cute with his little beach attire. i wasn't sure if the girl next to him was his gf or not, but thats beyond the point. i just want to photograph him so so badly. vie already been rejected once on this ship, and im too lazy to make an effort to try again with someone else :( later on in the day, i heard his voice just sightly. i wanted to see if he had an accent, because he doesn't really look foreign. if anything, british, but not so much. what i could tell of his accent.. it actually sounded southern, but that doesn't make sense, he's way to caucasian for that. that sums up my day. time for candy and finishing Midnight In Paris, which im loving so far.

9-17-11
one more day! omg awesome. i realized last night how much i missed home. how much i missed the bar, how much i missed my friends. i really wanted to jot down my shit last night but i was so tired. and now i cant remember what was on my mind then. ill try to recap. i played the slots last night. dropped $30 and got back about $90 it was awesome. but of course, the $120 dropped down to $50 U_U im going again tonight, and as much as i don't want to.. well i don't want to lose my money :( but thats just my greedy self. well see. oh yes, i saw the other boy today. this guy looks like topher grace, but w/a more elongated face.
i saw more of the other boy too. man i really want to read their name tag and see where they're from. im dying to know, but i cant think of a non creeper way to do so. im so fucking excited to leave but im not looking forward to driving back. ill try and sleep my way there. and as much as i am excited to go home, i am NOT excited to work out the very next day, and try and catch up with all my fucking schoolwork :'(

i was bored one day. out of the MANY days.

9-19-11
its a day after i got off the ship. LET ME TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I WAS TO GET OFF THAT SHIP. as soon as we arrived at the port, and i got my internet and cell service, my frown turned upside down. 10 texts and 85 emails later my phone stopped ringing and binging away. and i started texting up a storm. it felt sooo good to talk to someone other than my grandma. no offense, but i could only handle so much 'grandma'
not only that but it started to rain. and out of just pure joy i took a few self portraits with my film camera. they came out pretty ok--to my surprise. school today wasnt that bad either. turns out i didnt miss much, which is awesome. i missed my friends soo much. i just realized too how much i didnt miss my parents, though. its sad, but what can i do? i cant force myself to care... but thats another story. ill post a few photos here because just constant reading gets boring.

oh yes! last but not least, movie reviews. i saw a bunch of movies on the ship, of course. i downloaded them in prep for the boredom..
Midnight in Paris: soooo entertaining, i didnt think i would like it, but its fun.
Wild Target: another fun movie. the humor is different, and i appreciate it haha. rupert grint-YUM
Dogtooth: odd, but i enjoyed it. visually pleasing.
A Single Man: SOOO SOOOOOO lovely. incredible. beautiful story and beautiful cinematography. ive been wanting to see it for a while and im glad i finally did!
Bridesmaids (extended version): AWESOME of course. theres the one part with the little boy (who eats the birth control pill) and its fucking hilarious.

above here, on the left, is the matthew bellamy/adrian brody look alike. in the orange striped shirt ha.

some boat man took this pic for me

had to take a lot of selfies since no one there could do it for me u_u

my gma took this one, and this next one too. haha its all crook. im in the corn

the one on the right is the lobby. pretty lovely.

for the few that are following me on here

2011-06-22T05:07:00.002-05:00

im in the process of putting up a website, officially turning this into a personal blog, and also starting a photo diary (that will be on my website) me and erica segovia are also trying to set up a small website, or small shop on big cartel, selling a bunch of vintage clothing and other random things and whatnot. as of now, my life is ok.. this will be my first summer of no traveling. which is a bummer, but i cant help that i just cant afford it. im growing up, and it sucks. im saving for a macbook so i can start to create my oh-so-desired videos ive been dreaming of for so long. my current computer cannot run the hd videos that my 60D records :(
anywho. those are my plans, i hope to achieve them.
and boyfriends? pffft fuck boyfriends.
at least i have other priorities to distract me from the fact that i am forever on my own. :/

dream

2011-01-25T02:18:00.001-06:00

from what i can remember..
im driving with my friend nicole from work, but were working at another job, its night time, im driving around a neighborhood i dont know, were listening to depeche mode and just trying to find any place, really that we can work at and make money.. i see a black fat girl eating chic fila and im say to nicole how i wish id served her that way id get a tip, then i mention how u dont tip at chicfila so then we search for somewhere else to go... ha

----scene change---

my family, living in an apartment had gotten robbed, my brother was missing, we assumed he took everything but then it changes, and now the feeling i get is that the robber has killed my brother.. anywho.. we go back in time and me and my little brother hide behind the bushes to see who robbed the house, really, and we realize its our neighbor and her two grandchildren. the neighbors like this old lady and the kids are like 8/11.. me and my little bro are freaking out and the little boy hears us in the bushes. they chase us and for some reason its my fault, and they catch my little sibling and now i jump into my parents car, my white father is driving and were trying to get out of there then we see a car is following us.. possibly it was following the car in front of us, either way were in the middle of this little thing, and gunshots start firing, so my dad turns back to shoot the passenger door untill it opens so he can shoot out, im scrunched in the bottom of the back seat hiding like omggg and thats it for that

now im at work and i get there feeling gloomy about everything but kinda happy my brothers not dead. matt is there and hes now a server at drafthouse, as well as erica, and joshua doesnt work there but hes dropping erica off? then him and matt talk for a bit
scene changes, im in a hip store, but it still feels like fucking steinmart, i find these mary janes with cats on them, the shoes have heels that are kinda thick at first, about one inch high, but then they become flats and im trying to find my size, yet instead of fitting my foot in the shoe, i keep putting my foot in the box. i find a size labeled JP 8/9 and assuming its "japanese size 8/9" i go ahead and try them, then i put my foot in the actual shoe, and they fit. the end

2010-05-26T04:19:00.004-05:00

clench your fists
and let me bite you
close your eyes
and tell me lies
kiss my neck,
lips, chest, and face
let shame
take the hearts place
make me smile
this little while
as you lead me the wrong way

open your fuckin eyes
where do you think youre going?
and where have you taken me?
the waves are cutting harder and harder
against the fragile cliff
erode me until i dont exist;
until its to hard to live.

but i dont understand?
you said we could float
as long as you had my hand
and yet here i am
clenching my fists
because i thought i could trust you
because i thought we could make it in the end
im trying so hard to believe your word.
please... at least, just stay my friend.

2010-05-26T04:06:00.003-05:00

today when i was driving down
the pavement in the neighborhood
i breathed the thick
and groggy air...
and i could smell you.
then, i could feel you next to me.
i could feel the warmth come into my heart
and as i spaced out for that split second,
i realized you werent there
with me
i was alone
in the thick groggy air...
driving...
to nowhere.

i right poems when im in that delirious stage of sleepyness

2010-04-02T02:44:00.003-05:00

how does it feel to lay aside candlelight
your hand in mine?
illumination that
burns into your heart.
my eyes shine. they
gloss, glisten, glow, glare, stare
into your soul
the flames
that never burn out
even when theyre closed.
look into my eyes
they melt
but do not cry
hold your breath
watch the light.
-------------------------------------------------
But why dont you face me
like a real man? you turn
and close your eyes
my heart is melting
and dripping gold
and im missing you
each day
im buried in the sand
that used to
sparkle in the sun
but now the glitters faded.
disintegrated.
dust.

what happened to you, where have you gone?
the sky is cloudless
my nights are cold
i cant take being alone.
--------------------------------------------------------
you melt
against my lips
like cotton candy
as soft as
caramel
dripping from your strawberry stained kiss
a wave of light
and magic
replaces the blood in my veins
[..not finished]

long timeee

2010-02-27T02:26:00.004-06:00

since i have written in here.
just paused to clip my nails. i most likely have an OCD thing for it. i love to grow my nails long enough to where its necessary to clip them, and then when i do its the best thing ever. dont ask me why, its just very satisfying haha. anywho ive come to realize that i dont enjoy writing these things anymore because no one reads it at all.. and i hate to feel like i am talking to myself. i bought myself a real journal the other day.. maybe ill write in that.. its just im too lazy to write nowadays because when im writing it takes longer to get all my thoughts down..
life is the same, just more fuckin boring. my friends (some) are being ridiculous and most likely are not my true friends. i really need more friends, i just dont know how. :/
ive already messed up at my job, but thank god, everything turned out fine. school is alright, its like taking photo 1 all over again except your free to do as you please, as long as it has a good composition. this should be fun, keyword: should. IM MAKING A ZINE and dear sweet jesus i need to get on the ball already. im so pleased with the people that have accepted to contribute:

amber
anna h
lauren
laurence
erica
danny boyd
anna verlet
yuni kim
nolan
marisa
tara
anne
mando a.

i might be forgetting a few, or maybe its not for certain if theyre contributing, but thats my list so far. its exciting but fuckin nerve wrecking! i wanted to name the zine amazine but now i think thats really corny, so im back at square one... ;_;
anywho other than that.. ive just been really pissed at the fact that im about to lose half my money over the cost to fix my moms car. shes supposed to pay me back, but its going to take a while :( and i really want that money so if i ever to take another trip somewhere ill be able to! i really wanted to go to damn Coachella, but its just too complicated to try and go to california. then i was thinking, "ok, why not sxsw?" but NO... i dont even know how to do that.. and its already here... im too late... and i cant see one of my favorite bands ever in life: Tobacco
it sucks so much :''(
i bought spectra film recently and i tested it out on my spectra camera i got from the thrift and IT DIDNT WORK.. im such bad luck at thrift stores i swear.. its ridiculous. anyway, i bought another camera from ebay and finally took some amateur shots ._.

my head double exposed with a tree and exposed once more on accident and then exposed slightly to light haha s_s

these are the kids we're currently fostering. the girl is a trip! shes funny :)

first double exposure, i like the ghost feel and the shadows, but thats pretty much it :|

nothing

my uncles tattoo exposed with me. i hate my pics because i do something stupid like stick out my tongue and look like a pissed asian girl. the japanese tattoo doesnt make it any better..

lately ive been having odd dreams where so many things were happening all in one night of sleep. it was like i had five dreams at once. but they were simple little scenes.. but so weird and stupid. like one part of my dream.. i was going to some thing having to do either with literature or art, and i walked and there was a group of people, and i kinda moved my way through them, till this lady in her 40s who looked like she was either a professor or something, idk.. anyway, she pushed me and i went flying back into the group of people.. i was pissed, and i wanted to push her back, but i didnt. then i saw my friend come toward me and we sat down at looked at our portfolios of i guess some kind of art. and that was pretty much it. ok enough boring stuff.

squishing ants >:[

2009-12-13T07:34:00.006-06:00

i remember when people read my blog from time to time. now it just seems to be a personal diary. which is okay i guess, ive been doing online journals since i was about 15. maybe even 14.. so whatevss.
anyway, what i cannot get off my mind is how much i want to do my magazine already. i want to create a lovely, badass zine with art and music and just whatever i want.
I JUST DONT KNOW WHERE TO START.
i have the ideas in my head of how i want it, who i want to feature, the name of the mag, and a lot of other stuff, its just so all over the place, i dont know where to begin!
i need to ask some people for tips/pointers/advice. i just dont really know who to ask. U_U

changing the subject, i have a livejournal account now, and im debating if i should start posting things there too, or not, maybe for random photos...
school is over and done with, i failed my first class-ever- for the first time. it was math, it was all a piece of shit. im redoing that next semester

there are so many photo ideas in my head that there is no way i can remember them all, even if i did write them down somewhere. i just really wish i had the opportunity to use models and shoot these pics already!!! its killing me, i havent taken a good decent photo in so long, it makes me feel useeeelesssss.

things that im doing at the moment, and things that i NEED TO DO:
making christmas cards
vintage dress shoot
selling prints
saving money
applying for a loan to buy a new dslr :'(

english assignment

2009-12-07T22:59:00.000-06:00

i had to use like, parallelism... idk if thats the correct term, but yeah

Summer is calling

Have you lost all care? Where were you when I was home alone waiting for you, to come over and surprise me; to call me and tell me how much you missed me, and how much you wanted to see me again? It’s as if I’m still living miles and miles away from you, when I’m a fifteen minute drive away. What makes it so hard to keep things like how they were before?

Do you remember that summer day? The sun was shining bright in the east; ever-so-gently warming our skin; setting us aglow, and gleaming in the sky. We got our toy cameras and went for a walk down the neighborhood. We conversed about different things—simple things, for a simple day—yet, it was one of the most enjoyable days each of us ever had. We laughed together about things that weren’t even that funny. I remember when we stopped the ice cream truck and bought so much candy; we ate every last bit of it without getting sick. It was just that good. Sometimes I feel like you erased that day in your mind because I can’t imagine why else things have suddenly changed.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe it was I who changed, but maybe I’m just lying to myself. The only way I knew you missed me was because you would always tell me so. Now I have to only hope that you do. Sometimes, I just pretend that you miss me. When you leave me to be all alone, I’ll just pretend that you’re excited for another time we can spend together. It has become that pathetic. Sometimes, I think no one has changed; only life has changed. As time passes, life has become more complex. We have more problems; we’re busier than before; we try to maintain our balance of relaxation from our worrisome, stressful, and uneasy times; and we forget about the people that stick by our side, and are there to help us through this life.

As I sat there beside the phone, hoping that you didn’t forget about me, (because I didn’t forget about you) I could only believe that you at least know that I am here for you. I will always be that person who will spend meaningless time with you and enjoy it as if it were the most meaningful times of our lives. And even though I don’t know when you’ll remember to call me, I do know that you will. It’s just a matter of time, and another beautiful, breezy, glistening summer day.

massive headache

2009-11-14T21:47:00.002-06:00

i seriously need to figure my life out, including the people in it

should i just move out and risk everything by living on my own? even with a roommate.. its all just a little sketchy

when am i going to find someone that will unconditionally stay by my side? im tired of acquaintances.

one person can only be patient for so long, you know?

i miss taking pictures :(

i feel as if

2009-10-27T04:10:00.001-05:00

I'm not living the life I should be.. Its not that I'm unsatisfied with life, its just that I wish it could be better, I can envision it being better.. Its almost like those realistic dreams you get and when you wake up, it does nothing but depress you. The internet does bad things to me sometimes, that's why I'm hardly on it these days.. All ive been doing on there is occasional aim chats, Flickr browsing, and catching up with my criminal minds :)
what I mean about the internet is that everyones lives are now layed out for you online, famous people and their blogs- REGULAR people and their blogs.. Sometimes I wish I could have myself figured out already so I could be living my life to that extent.. I don't dream of the perfect man, or the perfect house, or wealth every day, I dream of the fantastic life.. Just happiness in its glamour
I'm such a realist, it amazes me that I can contain dreams and fantasies like these, but like I said, they feel so real, they feel so.. Capable of happening.. I just wish I knew what I have in store for me in the future.. I wish I could just travel this world and see what's out there. This earth is like outer space to me.. I want to explore
I want to encounter.. I want to meet someone who will jam out to live shows of Tobacco with me! I want to have friends who love being weird, but won't judge how normal I look.. lol. I just want to be sure that I'm not wasting my time right now when maybe I could be doing productive things that will benefit me later in life.. I wish I knew my "true" talent and I wish I could share it with someone.

2009-10-20T01:56:00.002-05:00

everything is pretty much still the same
im still in probably one of the most pathetic phases of my life.
i still wish that i had someone to turn to, just a best friend, is all i ask for
just a fucking real, true, loving, best friend.

2009-09-29T03:03:00.002-05:00

its melting my heart right now that the radio is playing some good ass music, including this song

gotta love college radio, huh. aaahh i so wanna be a dj O_O
anyway.. idk what to say but that these past couple of days, possibly weeks ive been LAZY AS FUCK its ridiculous, i have been doing absolutely nothing with life
its depressing, but im not really depressed. im just blank, blank in every aspect of myself

i just hope i get things worked out soon
i hope i get on the ball.
i bought a polaroid camera, maybe that will at least push me to start taking pictures again..
i wish i had models and that my ideas could come across my mind easier. i hate when i think about it and forget it so fastttttt

the house is so quiet without the kids...
they left today to their real mother, i really hope the best for them and that they will be loved more than ever before. i want them to remember me too..
i hope so, i pray that their little minds will have a space vacant for me :)
im going to miss them, but life goes on. im happy that theyre happy, and that i dont have to deal with 4 children all at once @_@
i hope whoever we foster next, will be as cute and funny as they were.

seriously

2009-09-14T15:08:00.003-05:00

i miss having a best friend. not specifically someone, just a best friend in general.
everyone that im friends with now, the few number that they are, it just doesnt suffice.
i hate when people say shit to me as if theyre my friend. for example if i were to ever say i have no real friends, and someone were to say "oh but you have me!" its complete bullshit. because more than likely when im with that person, there is no connection, they do not engage in being with me. yeah, the feeling can be mutual, but im not the one proclaiming my friendship with them.
its just pure bullshit. i want a mother fuckin REAL friend. someone who tells me everything and doesnt hold back.. someone who looks forward to talking to me everyday as i do them.
every single day i wait for people to like me.
they dont
every single day i wait for a new friend
maybe even a best friend

and
nothing.

2009-09-14T14:55:00.002-05:00

its soo not even my birthday anymore but im just trying to keep up what i said about the other half of celebrating my birthday. which was just hang out with erica and eat CAKE like a fat. multiple cakes. we made this cake below it was pretty badass.

and she gave me this pickle birthday card with $$$ in it. it was as if she was drunk because she didnt spell my name right- twice. technically the cards for Mrs. Bea Cock, and her nickname is Chellzila.

birthday

2009-09-07T06:15:00.005-05:00

part I:

i heard this song on the radio on my way home.. -it sounded different to me in the car, so maybe its not the exact, exact song? IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER in the car.
i drove all night tonight, it was pretty badass minus the fact that im still kind of a wreckless driver D:
anyway.. night/eve of my birthday starts out with me picking up denise and samantha and alexa, and we go to shishas, a hookah bar. "california dream" flavor. (not that great) god it was so packed there; my ex best friend was there (but we didnt acknowledge one anothers existence). its been getting just too awkward seeing her around too many times than the times we actually would see each other when we were friends :S
i hate to say that phrase: "ex best friend." it sounds so harsh. but whatever.
anyway after an attempted harmony of happy birthday from my friends -thank god they didnt yell it out!!! ahah. we leave and go on what will be the longest journey to some random guys house ever. FUCK, took me an hour or longer to find this house in this hood ive never been to! of course i got lost. haha. we chilled there and it was kool, there were some funny ass moments 8^)
im just glad that i drove out all night without getting into trouble and not being too tired to drive home since i did at around 4am. right now its 6:47am and im waiting to see the sun come up- which is taking FOREVER!!! im getting tired U_U
after that, ill SLEEEEEP, and hopefully hang out with erica tonight and make that rainbow cake!!! 8D then that will be story part 2 of this post. im just trying to keep record of what i did for my birthday because i cant remember last years at all unless i really sit down and think hard about it. usually my birthdays are lame anyway :|
i never celebrate it with the people i expect[to celebrate it with].happy bir.. but im not complaining- at all.

2009-08-23T00:57:00.008-05:00

End of Summer

You pushed me off the high-dive
who knew you were so strong?
i grabbed your foot as i went down, but you didnt come along.
the stinging splash against my skin…
my body was submerged.
i opened my eyes.
beyond the blue,
past the bubbles, through the surge,
i looked for you.
kicking my legs, i began to fear
i couldnt see a surface,
only abyss
have you ever swam in your own tears?
i can only imagine what you were doing
when all this had occured
staring down at me in my last minutes on earth.

Crystal Cathedral

2009-08-22T23:40:00.007-05:00

God this place was so gorgeous i wish i had more time to take all the photos i wanted but i just took a few, and then of the statues...

Moses, solid gold :) i also have two more on my flickr.

back home

2009-08-15T05:31:00.014-05:00

puff cloud (digital)

ive barely unpacked, and clothes are laying all over my bed. man, i dont feel.
i flew home wednesday morning. it was my first time flying.. i wasnt scared, just nervous. i hate not knowing what im doing... i thought id lose my luggage or something.
turns out, its super easy to get away. haha. Although, that morning (my flight was at 9:40am) i woke up late, at 8:30am and just threw clothes on and i made it out of the bag check by 9:30, oh my god. i thought i was going to miss my flight!!!!!!!! but i didnt.
it was so fun for my first time flying, i love it, i want to fly more haha.
Anyway, California was nice and i must admit i didnt get to do all that i wanted while i was there but i know i will go back someday for sure.

this was on the way to california, i only have two rolls developed so far. more coming soon

the beach photos are from Newport Beach, so is the background photo on my blog.
its 6am right now. and i forgot what else i wanted to say...

U_U

2009-08-05T07:48:00.002-05:00

i feel like shit right now, not necessarily it being a bad thing on a count of me having a cough and a headache and it being 5:44am

in texas itd be 7:44...
today was the first day i really felt home sick, which got me thinking about how im ever going to enjoy long periods of time away in general.

i dont want to be one of those suckers that never travels to any beautiful places because of homesickness. D:

anyway, cali is coming to an end, i still havent booked any flights home yet because im not legit yet.

once im done posting this i better fall asleep, i cant stand this fucking nocturnal shit. you know what? i think im done now.

2009-07-25T16:17:00.001-05:00

Currently in a car driving with Denise and her family to who knows where in California. Listening to Black Moth Super Rainbow.. I need to develop some film :o

2009-06-19T04:52:00.000-05:00

i didnt edit this yet but i like it as is too

2009-06-19T04:40:00.007-05:00

i just had a small breakdown right now. god i feel so awful, its ridiculous. i feel like such a complete mess. i want to throw up but all that will come up is cough syrup and a cough drop that i just choked on and accidentally swallowed. -i mean, dont get me wrong, today was a fun day, but once i got home and i started getting more sick it just got me so frustrated and with being in that mood it changed my whole perception on everything coming at me. i just finished crying for no particular reason. just everything in general... i just want to lay the fuck down and go to sleep as planned but i cant even do that without coughing until i cry or i cant breathe.
ugh.
i wish i had someone to talk to.

...or just someone -period.

3:16

2009-06-04T03:16:00.012-05:00

i looked at the time right now, and it was 3:16 am. (John 3:16 ♥)
that tells me that im doing alright in life, ha. :)
i tend to get many of these "hm lets check the time" coincidences.

anyway.. im up fighting sleep and going through peoples flickr streams -but their old photos, mainly ericas and mine. just looking back at all the memories and flickr comments we've made throughout... erica got featured in booooooom the other day, im happy for her she deserves it. ♥ i havent been taking any photos lately ive been in such a slump lately with everything and im wondering when i will be out of it. i really just want to fucking go to california already but the date of leaving keeps getting pushed later, its like "ok, wtf? are we gunna go or not?" :(
because otherwise i can just get me a job and save up some money... i am so broke.

ive just been slacking really bad and i need to get my shit done. =/ ugh wish me luck in fufilling...

pics i like that u might not have seen taken by ERICA COOCH! :

hahahhahha ^

i know i have a few more others but idk where they are on my computer :S
mkay goodnight.

2009-05-28T11:39:00.011-05:00

i miss having these all nighters with my friends..
This was when i had barely met that boy with the amazing eyes. i thought he was gay at first... hes kinda douchey lol but whatever. we stayed up till freakin 7am and when we got home i crashed the FUCK OUT.
--------------------
although it wasnt as great as the night my other friends and i were drinking and snuck into a nice ass apartment pool/hot tub.. it was great. we then met up with some more friends, these boys whom ive never met. they were so fun and after a while we decided to go back to the pool, it was pretty damn liberating. i didnt skinny dip we were just in underwear and not giving a fuck. untill the cops kicked us out :|
i guess someone heard all the ruckus.
we went to whataburger soaking wet (well i was) and someone spilled sprite on me. FUCK, that woke me up nicely.. everyone was laughing at me =/ but then i was like fuck it, and i laughed too.

"if you dont look at them, you wont notice them looking at you"

2009-05-27T11:07:00.009-05:00

and youll be fine.

thats what i said in my dream last night. we were showering, like an all girls showers... but there were some kind of men of authority watching us it was really weird.
anyway, i fell asleep like a good girl at like 12 and woke up at close to 7
IM REALLY NOT LIKING THIS. i like being a night owl not an early bird, especially if i have nothing planned for the day. i want to SLEEP IN! this morning i watched the baby and cooked four little children some breakfast O_O
& i jammed out to one of the best shuffle playlists ever, while cooking.. till now

tungsten light is a bitch!

^barbie

^Ashlynn and Andria

im doing absolutely nothing with my life right now. im super excited for california but i can tell you right now im going to miss texas like crazy. (sorry for the aweful colored photos.)

about 4 hours of sleep

2009-05-26T09:58:00.010-05:00

and i feel like i had a full nights rest. it'll hit me at about noon or one pm.
i had a dream last night that was so ridiculous it was entertaining.
im 18 years old and ive only had mutual love once in my life. i need someone new, but who?

my jelly shoes. i dont really wear them out though. but i love them around the house. i bought them for a freakin buck fifty!

Bethany by me. (i really love this shot)

last night it was super lightning and slight thundering, i wanted to take a pic of a damn rod, but i only saw one. and then it started to rain =(
i hope tonight this happens again and that ill have the will power to take a photograph.

i have alot of photos i want to upload here and on flickr. a few are on my tumblr:
http://rufflerufflefilm.tumblr.com/

i would upload here, but theres still some things i need to execute and organize with them.
i need to stop being LAZY

great birthday with erica segovia

2009-05-22T03:22:00.002-05:00

2009-05-20T09:21:00.003-05:00

some good rockabilly would brighten my day, more, right now :)

myspace bulletin

2009-05-20T08:48:00.008-05:00

lets elaborate.

well, on a good note, i got my 6 rolls of film back and i couldnt be more pleased with how they came out...

over time ill upload them on my tumblr or my flickr, maybe here. theres alot.

out of the many photographs i took, the ones from raeannes house meant so much to me. raeanne is one of my best friends of about 7 years. here and there we had our differences but shes never permanently left me because our bond is too well. the day i took the pictures at her house, was the first time i physically saw her in a year. so yes, i had to take a few pics.

i get them developed and the moment i post one to flickr she asks "can my sister see these?"

"well, yeah, but does she even remember my flickr? i highly doubt she'll see these"

apparently no one knew that i went to her house and if her sister/mom saw they would get "mad"

...not call me and threaten to call the police on me. :|

dont ask me how she saw them, i think it was raeannes fault, but her sister saw them, and told her mom, then i get the phone call

ugh. i was in the greatest mood and her stupid mother (who hates me for no reason, shes just a hater like that) had to ruin everything

im accused of forcing myself into their house (even with raeanne with me?) and that she (the mother) wanted to talk to my mom "right now"

fuck no i wasnt going to give the phone to my mom, what am i, 14?

"shes not here"

"well if she doesnt call me in 30 minutes i am going to report you to the police"

okrrrrrrr.... dumb. like theyre going to do anything.

"i dont want you to ever see her..." (like i even did that often) "...or call her or talk to her ever again raeanne!"

fucking dumb ass bull shit.

please note that raeanne is going to be 19 and is still bossed around by her mother as if she were 12.

i dont even give a fuck anymore, i am proud of those pictures and no one is going to break me and my friend apart, anyway. so who cares.

:(

2009-04-22T03:32:00.007-05:00

im ganna try and be more positive on here

:)?

im cleaning my room (and posting pictures)

2009-04-22T02:14:00.005-05:00

its super distaterous
and it still looks like my grandparents room, with the cream curtains with lace valances
._.
i kind of like it though, i just wish i could make it a little more new age. the movie/music posters do not help

i think i am going to take a chill pill on photography... (although i still need to get my 3 missing assignments done for school u_u)
other than that horrific statement, i gotta get my state of mind back in place...
everything is just so all over the place right now

and my dad isnt helping the situation
my dad is a bad human being...
even though we all are, he is the one that burdens this family.

my uncle comes home from japan on saturday
i want to smoke him out :)
oh, and take pictures :)

ohhhhh la la laa
life.

paparazzi

fredo imy :)

oh, but you must click and view large!

\
car+ sunroof= good light

ahahah

oh, ashlynn :)

i didnt see the axe till later

636am

2009-04-10T06:35:00.002-05:00

i had a dream about you

2009-04-10T04:46:00.003-05:00

and god, it was soo good

i woke up feeling like i woke up from lying next to you

then i realized it was yet another false ecstasy...

i hate

2009-03-18T02:34:00.004-05:00

coming to my blog and re reading my old posts
YUCK!

time to delete some shit
i am gunna post all the pics from my wonderful two day hobo stay at port aransas
soon

i need sleep

2009-03-05T04:16:00.003-06:00

too much stuff on mind

klhgdfjklaghdfjklshgsdfjkl

pull the brain out like silly string

feel the ease of not knowing about not knowing

no more anxiousness

tomorrow is not a better day

but i can try to make it one.

ehhhh

2009-02-09T17:55:00.003-06:00

i think i have like one or two better ones, but this is the one i turned in for class

*EDIT*
ok so my teacher critiqued this already and he said that, of course, the crop is too much on the right, but THAT IF any other change could be done... i guess, had the crop stayed, that she could have angled her eyes differently, and now i see how much that might have helped!

ATTN

2009-02-08T12:05:00.006-06:00

its cloudy as FUCK right now
how can i take a good head shot with SHADOWS & HIGHLIGHTS

:'(
im still gunna do it
but dang
why am i so hated?

portraits

2009-02-05T19:50:00.004-06:00

sometimes i just want to give up
with photography i hate trying so hard

i shouldnt have to try so hard, but trying to quickly do these portrait assignments was just so fucking irritable
racing against time and trying to see how to pose her

it was hard and annoying and when im rushing i dont have time to actually think about what i wanna do

anyway getting to the point, what i thought would be good, turned out to be horrible
no lighting and no control
going home knowing not one shot came out nice hurt so bad

it was weird
it was horrible, but yet good?
horrible knowing the fact that i didnt get shit done and it hurt like someone broke my heart, how you can feel your heart kinda sink...

which makes me seem crazy, but like i guess its good to know that photography actually matters to me then, huh?

to bad i suck at it
or, if i dont..
right now.
i do

2009-02-03T15:42:00.007-06:00

one of my very first b&w film shots.. i think technically it was my 2nd

i have a Tumblr now
man i have too much shit that people pay no attention to haha.

WTF

2009-02-01T04:43:00.002-06:00

of all FUCKS

someones calling my house
at 4:44 AM!
well no its been ringing for a minute already sooo technically 4:43
...its still ringing as im typing, and it just stopped

*checks calla ID*
idk who joyner, patrick is

anyway
it came to my attention today, just like 5 min ago before the annoying house call
that i used to have a sailor moon doll

and right now i want it back soo bad
i miss my dolls, especially that one!
im geek.

omg its February

2009-02-01T00:44:00.004-06:00

i totally messed up this shot

test strip

theres something i like about this one

2009-01-31T21:59:00.001-06:00

2009-01-31T21:34:00.002-06:00

all my pics suck lately.

2009-01-30T20:21:00.005-06:00

i HATE "nothing" pictures

all ive been doing is snapshots and its really sickening me.

vollmer

2009-01-29T02:55:00.006-06:00

erica took these

my mom

carrsss

the other day we went to this car dealership place that sells oldie cars and i we took pics in there
it was basically an epmty show room with like 5 cars, offices empty as well
it was neat :)

.

2009-01-28T03:43:00.004-06:00

i hit my head on the cabinet
and watched it bleed

took me a while
i had to watch it drip from my hair

the end
i lied

im bored
and i want to write but nothing is leaving my brain.

MAN.

filmmm

2009-01-26T17:05:00.005-06:00

these are the rest (well mostly) of my film snapshots from usin a 75-200mm lens

stove top

the oven reflection

i look like a boy

...a boy

the spidah

blurry

ditch

my shower. im ganna probably post this one to flickr later once i scan the neg and see how that turns out

WOW

2009-01-08T01:40:00.009-06:00

this is just for all the NIN fans and a little *note to self* -clickable

AHHHHH
today was a great day but i dont wanna elaborate its time fo' bed
:D

a bunch of shit

2009-01-06T20:30:00.004-06:00

i hate feeling this feeling; i dont even know where to start
i feel so bad for him i want to cry
ugh i hate when you feel the most awkward uncomfortable sick feeling of something you dont even know

today our family picked up an old friend
we met him from this church that was not even a real church about 4 yrs ago
-god.. damn i wish i had a better vocabulary i feel like a fucking 5 year old not understanding myself-
anyway, he and my family grew a close bond, but not that close
there was still a little gap in between on a count of that hes a real awkward kinda guy
...on a count of hes not all there
like, hes THERE
but he can trail off, and his mental state reminds me of a youthful kinda guy
who knows how he got like that.. maybe drugs as a teen or he was just like that
ANY FUCKING WAY
we bring him home, we eat some pizza and my mom starts up a chat
my DAD... goes into the other room to play computer games
like OK? what a host...
then

-i dont even know WHY im even typing this
i feel sick just doing it
and i dont know why
lets get to the point on how he intrigues me even if he weirds me out
on how i can see in him... how he wishes he wasnt so alone even if things are going great for him.
but who knows?
people can just be polite when in reality they want more than what they seem to be satisfied with.
if that makes sense
i feel so bad for him i hate to see someone alone because i know it sucks
and it hurts me more than seeing myself alone
i have no idea what im even saying
i just feel really empty right now
its ludicrous
i wish i could have the heart to engage in things right now
i dont know whats wrong..
with me
like really..
everythings fine
but then it all turns upside down for a quick second and i feel so dead inside

i wish he could teach me how to learn guitar but hes just too difficult to deal with even if music is where his heart is
i wish i coulda took a picture of him as a memory just incase my dad never invites him over again
i wish my photographs themselves had the heart that i would put them into right now, but they just dont
i wish i could explain this dreadful feeling i have right now but i just cant

im just stitting here with my chin on the desk and the light up keyboard right in front of my face

my hands right in front of me... im watching every finger tip hit each and every key and its so close to me
i am just in another world

i want to get away

for once
i want to be alone

and just lay down

and find myself again.

because i am just really lost right now.

two thousand and nine

2009-01-02T10:41:00.003-06:00

i really have to pee..
but i guess ill hold it for a bit
new years eve/day was pretty great...
i havent seen amanda in idk how many months but it was pretty much half the year and to know that we had a good time was good for us.
the house party was ok... but the house itself was nice and i kept taking different pictures of it haha
oh, and of course the drunk people too...
i wasnt drunk but i did drink and i stopped after i got a good buzz
i wasnt planning on not remembering my night ha
nor was i planning to throw up the next day EWWW
but i still had some fun
lovette called me, kinda drunk, and passed the phone to every other drunk person in the room to wish me a happy new year :)) haha.
anyway i will stop talking about boring things.
gunna dye my hair today
i suppose...
gunna be black
i guess...
hopefully i will stop being -not uninspired, but, lazy? to take pictures
i havent taken any good pictures or pictures that i imagine in my mind because i just dont feel
and im tired of taking pictures of myself ew
its grosssss

2009

me and scooter

2008-12-29T19:32:00.006-06:00

these are just edits of some very difficult to achieve shots i took today
i really hate the way i did these, and my posture!!!! but oh well i couldnt be with scooter there all fucking day haha.

my favorite it just makes me laugh

note to self

2008-12-28T18:04:00.008-06:00

xxleaving hope: Whatever fuck the world!

ninlovergirl900: lmao

ninlovergirl900: i couldnt agree more

ninlovergirl900: all we can do is wait for the good that will come to us

ninlovergirl900: and fight the little battles along the way

ninlovergirl900: to our victoriousness.

xxleaving hope: Exactly<3

ninlovergirl900: :]

ninlovergirl900: i know its rough

ninlovergirl900: they say what would it be without the troubles

ninlovergirl900: well they say

ninlovergirl900: haha

xxleaving hope:

xxleaving hope: Why can't you live in my town.

xxleaving hope: Ugh.

ninlovergirl900: D:

glad to know im wanted somewhere
:P

I've always wanted

2008-12-28T14:31:00.007-06:00

to do a real blog
you know?
one that matters
that people will want to read?
where you find yourself leaving my page knowing something new.

...one day...

but for now, heres some pics, haha.

this shits making me fat

looking retarded :)

click it

sickkk

i have a thing for velvet, but the shits fucking expensive ($80; $50)

and i really want these [kinda] glasses... SO BAD

about the other blog i did about my christmas eve...
i am feeling better
but my zune and perfume is still fucking missing and it angers me daily.
=(
________________________________________________
i put ads on my site
i hope you click them
either out of curiousity or because i suggested it... i get some change when you click them :)
you know, because im poor =]
___________________________________________________________
sometimes i dont get how ignorant people can be sometimes
its like, wow your a dick that much?
for some its like.. they dont even know it, they just are
those are the selected few that are the self centered ones
i can honestly tell you right now that i, myself, am not self centered because i always do shit for people, even when they take it for granted.
but oh well.. my mom tells me all the time that ill get blessed for it one day, and as much as i dont expect it, i still believe her.

parachute

2008-12-28T00:41:00.003-06:00

i cant tell you how much i love this
ok im going to bed now.

warning...

2008-12-25T01:45:00.003-06:00

the following entry will only let you down. i'll try to add as many highlights of today as much as i can.

christmas eve morning:
woke up at 9am
felt like the worst piece of shit ever, worse than from the night before
talked to sam on im to seek advice/cheering up
didnt work
tried to hold back my tears for the sake of the christmas holiday and my moms birthday
took a shower
went out with my mom to pick up my guitar

arrive at the store to find out my bank card is missing (how embarassing)
leave the store to go get money out
im walking back to my car upset and lost at where my bank card could be
i trip while trying to walk over a chain and it hurts but i stopped my self from falling down
i burst out crying

sobbing

and i dont know why
"why are you crying for? youll find your bank card, theres nothing to cry about we're gunna get your guitar" she said

ohh if only you knew that wasnt even the start of it.

were driving and i feel the cool breeze pushing my tears away from my eyes
it was a glorious day today
then i realize i know why..
im mad

about?

everything.

why?
i dont know.

but sam was right..
the crying did help.

i finally have my guitar
it feels good

package in the mail
a gift!
doesnt fit me
figures.

a drive over to the countrysiiidiee to pick up the food for this evening
i fall asleep the whole ride to and back
next thing i know we're home, and i dont get up

next thing i know, im awake and its night out
im still in the car
alone
i go inside
im still tired
i feel fuzzy
but i try to stay awake and i get ready for tonight
i feel like im in a dream

no, its reality and yes, its dreadful
raeanne calls me
thanks me for her card
my soul mate :)

guests arrive
alcohol is in
and stupidity is about.
im sitting there bored with life
i recieve no gifts other than what i have mentioned
everyone is loud
soo loud
i just want to go throw myself in some snow
but i cant.

and to make things worse
im missing my zune
20 gb of music gone
its sad that i cant even trust my own father
but i dont
and my perfume has been missing for a week now
along with the bank card as of today

i wish there were something to make me better
but instead i just sit here
thinking about how there isnt.

uncomfortable

2008-12-24T01:42:00.025-06:00

DAMN...
i couldnt have anymore feelings in my body than i do now
where do i start? well first off my second cousin asks me out?
SICK.
i have so much anxiety right now
to the point where im questioning myself..
"are you just lying to yourself, what if its not anxiety?"
HEARTACHE: sometimes i feel i will be alone forever because no one in this world is right for me..
and i miss love
alot.
CONFUSION: of everything that im thinking about
everything that im feeling
people that i care for
and most of all
my reality
ever since my sleeping schedule has been fucked up i feel as if im dreaming
all the time...

[insert deep thoughts here]

i wish i could tell you how much i...

merry christmas eve and happy birthday mom
♥

IM POOR

2008-12-22T03:27:00.006-06:00

i need a job like FUCK

anyway
just here to say that im in love with Dillons new stuff

Locked door
Forgotten key
Tonight, open up for me
I am returning home,
Without the slightest hope

Naked and on my knees
Look as if you are pleased to see
Me returning home
Give me that spark of hope

Let you taste the texture of my blood
I am lacking iron,
Gates to my heart

Opened up,
The relief
Time has come, for you to see
Where I am coming from
What I have been running from

omggg i love her.

my mom really wants me to learn christmas songs on piano for her lol
maybe ill try tomorrow
i really need to learn because that piano just sits there D:
goodnight

2008-12-20T14:11:00.001-06:00

"wow, i honestly wouldve never thought id ever see a message from you or for it to say what it did.
but im glad you did"

=)

very exhausting blog

2008-12-19T05:53:00.010-06:00

so i went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 5.. wtfs

yesterday was a good day
i bought an underwater camera on fucking impulse
which is not the best way to go!!
hahaha, well see if my 23 dollars was worth it, which i think so.
and i bought erica a little something something yay

i cut my hair
it looks naicee
thanks samantha

lolol this is her
hmm what else is there to say
oh, yes.
i might get a guitar!!!!!!!!!
omg im so excited i pray to God that i do end up getting it and that i will actually be able to play it
i mean, music means soo much to me.. it would kill me if i couldnt play something
ive tried piano but im too failure for that.. lol
and i cant sing worth caca, so being able to play the guitar would make me soo happy..

click [some are linked]

lolol

fuhhhckkk!!!

CAT

LOL

i also messaged my old best friend
we had stopped talking because of my angst toward her i guess
idk, while i was in bed and couldnt sleep, she came to mind, and i realized the right thing to do was get on good terms with her and tell her i miss her
we'll see what happens. wish me luck.

i take many picture. i upload soon

2008-12-15T03:42:00.006-06:00

i didnt shoot this ^
its really hard for me to stop looking at this. i was listening to this artist, that requested me, and i saw this and it just made me love the photo more lol
yeah lately my band requests over myspace have been pretty alright.

umm i played pool yesterday, which was cool.
talked to my best friend for a bit, who rarely ever calls me =/
and i finally went downtown.. it wasnt all that great haha
im feeling pretty inspired photo-taking wise
but lets see if the inspiration can overpower my laziness D:
i have to go to the doc as well because i have these somewhat looking spider bites, and i just get them way too often for me to believe it is so.
well i forgot what else i was going to say so later...

hmm

2008-12-13T15:25:00.000-06:00

i just woke up
which is horrible

but im feeling a bit better, thank you God.
i got a letter from Elva, my friend whos in the army right now
and a Christmas card from Tony, my flickr friend
[maybe ill take a pic or something and put it here.]

so makes me feel a little more of some kinda of importance.
anyway...

getting to the real point, i need to shoot the shot that ive been wanting to shoot because sooner or later im going to run out of old photos to upload on flickr D:
its going to be a hassle but maybe i can do it.
anyway..

although im not in pain emotionally
my stomach hurts like a mother, and my supposed spider bites arent helping either =/

2008-12-13T02:48:00.000-06:00

i seriously think im going to end up depressed

very soon.

i just dont know what to do with myself anymore
i-

i dont know...

jfkdhsjfkdlghsdfjkl

2008-12-12T13:21:00.005-06:00

*SIGH*

Jesus im covered in dead grass^...
im bored, oh so bored. i might just take a nap.
took my math final today, the final of all semester finals.
and it took me 2 hours to finish, for only 25 questions.
i wasnt the last one, i was like 5th to last or something, but usually im like in the first 5 to finish
i didnt study enough... well i studied the wrong things

my mind was just too busy racing
and racing
........
so fast
nothing can stop it

thats all ive been doing lately
maybe thats why ive been having the random crazy dreams
i just cannot stop thinking... at all
just racing...
and racing..
every little thing
all at once.

you couldnt even catch it if you froze time.

Dillon

2008-12-10T03:27:00.002-06:00

i like that name
i like the artist more
idk why? i love herr...
i need to know german!

ok soo..

im fighting sleep.

ONE MORE FINAL LEFT
then i have a fuckin month off mmmm :]
today i was soo happy that i got an A+ on my action photo, AND the teacher wanted to keep it for display :O
got a 98 average
omg i havent had a 98 since forever... -as like, a final grade. or semester grade, whatever it is.

i remember as a kid i used to beat myself up if i didnt get a 90+
in a way i guess i still do, but then the bigger part of me tells me not to care ha.

its funny how someones mood can change so drastically and quickly...
in a way everyones has a little bipolar in them :)
especially me

yeah so after a great day -the weathers so nice
i go and record bits and pieces of the wind.. its just so beautiful
and i have this urge to go on the roof and take pictures.
well i tried.. and failed
horribly.
i came out looking like americas #1 geek.
not only that, i carried the ladder all the way around the house only to have become suddenly afraid of heights.

half my body was leaning on the roof, and the other half was stuck on the ladder like a magnet.
i didnt budge
dammit i came all this way to take pics, im going to do so

pfft. i was soo pissed.
but yeah i think now that ive typed it all out...
im over it.
now i just want to go and highlight everything

and delete it.

i already KNOW
this is going to be a long assss blog entry.

ok so i remember some of my dream from last night
(lately ive been having crazy ass dreams)
this ones a little fuzzy but it had the boy in it again
idk why i still have these dreams about someone whos pretty insignificant already? as if i still like him?
ANYWAY
yeah i was just with him in the dream
and the part i remember the most..
we're just there, and something weirds lying on the ground.. like a pile of junk

we're looking at eachother.. deep...

and he throws himself, looking like a flopping fish, on top of the pile.

i laugh.

???????????????

right click and view image because idk how to make these blog tables wider.

yeah soo when christmas time came around, i was really really excited about the tree
its always soo beautiful
but when we went in the back to get it out of the storage, we opened the box and it was NOT our usual tree
it was a caca fiber optic tree!!!!!!!!!
i was sooo upset!!!!!!!!! D:
but hey, it does GREAT use for a light source! haha. i took the tree off and used the bottom for maself :)

NIGHT!

2008-12-07T11:54:00.000-06:00

i fear of going deaf
i wouldnt be able to hear your rich yet subtle voice
i fear of going blind
i wouldnt see your gorgeous face
but what i fear the most
is losing all feeling
from giving you my heart
and getting nothing in return

my body goes numb for you.
now and then.

finals this week
then one month off
what what in the butt :]

ijktmiah

2008-12-01T00:28:00.001-06:00

ty 3rq4utgmn,.j/,,,,,jkerjy;kjgnlsdjgdfl;akl
'ytdr
isjhklgsihgklfjsdnl 6y5um90whjbfgm,sbng
fshfk;
jkghkdjgh

i wish you could read that, and understand what im thinking.
like a cryptic code where even i dont even know what it is word for word but you can still comprehend it, fully.

anyway
today was another boring day in my life out of my many boring days
i did some christmas decorating??...
i seriously need a job
well, insurance on a car if you want to be more specific.

im suprised at myself that im not broke
but then i realize that recently i have no interest in much material things
i havent been to a mall in forever
eh i like the internet more ;)
my christmas list?
pfft
nothing really...
maybe a few topnotch things
some shoes?
a holga :)
or maybe fisheye?
nah. thats more for a lens :}

----------------------------------------------

sometimes i look at myself and i think
i feel like i dont know that girl...
or like... -visioning myself as if what im seeing is a dream..
that- thats not how i am in real life

but it is
its just the way i compare real life, and my thoughts on real life

i saw myself at the restaurant
having a nice time
but looking so strange
then i felt myself getting small theoretically. the chair was soo big
i felt more and more diminishing

unimportant.

they say you forget things that arent as important to you.

im sorry that i was forgotten in some cases, or to some people
but its a good realization o_o

babbling is bad.
i do it in my head wayy to much.

cacacacaca

2008-11-30T04:14:00.001-06:00

hallo
well so much has happened since last time
not that anyone really reads this so i have no reason to get into detail
been taking alot of looza pictures lately
i really dont feel like going back to school on monday, im getting behind and its irksome

damn im waiting in Dillon to make/upload new music already
if you dont know who she is, shes my fav little new artist i guess you can say but shes not that new- i dont think. you shuld look'er up.
anyway times for some bits and pieces of watever

drunk beezys

lunchbox

playing with reflection

me and pepper

shitty san antonio pic

sad trinity

stackers- andrew

no use for thrift store items

wish there was something real

2008-11-29T04:07:00.001-06:00

wish there was something true

..in this world for you

oomgomg its 4am, i will update laterr

my new blog

2008-11-11T13:45:00.001-06:00

myspace just isnt worthy enough to be my true blog... bleah
i really dont know exactly what ill use this for or if people will even read this D: but yeah
um... i got bored last night and did a shitload of picnik editingggg heres the ones i like

thats it for now..